Foundational Principles of “Winning Friends and Influencing People”

High-Level Overview:

Fundamental to the human experience is the ability to interact and relate to one another. Dale Carnegie comes from humble beginnings to reach worldwide fame with this all-time great. Written in 1936, this book is almost a century old yet its principles apply to our lives today. The most valuable skills one can possess to pursue success or to achieve happiness lie within human engineering. We are communal beings and without the ability to connect and spur on our fellow man, life is not lived to the fullest. This book acts as a generational cornerstone for achieving your aspirations socially and in leadership.

My Personal Reaction:

How to Win Friends and Influence People is the first book that I have ever read more than once. Let’s start there.

I’m 24 years old and very extroverted; I crave social interaction and experience. But if you knew me in college, you wouldn’t think that was the case. I lacked self-confidence, was quiet, and not a great conversationalist. Despite these things though, I loved meeting new people and being related to those around me.

Where was the disconnect? In my ability to Win Friends and Influence People.

Human engineering is as much of a skill as mathematics or being athletic. It requires constant attention and practice to master. Why then is there so little content on this subject? It is unbelievably underrated in everyday life and in business.

“Investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering — to personality and the ability to lead people (Page xvi).”

When I picked up this book for the first time and read it all the way through I felt as though I finally understood how to interact and influence those around me. It’s all about learning our fundamental desires as human beings and catering to those CONSTANTLY. The principles in this book can be applied to every social interaction you have any day of your life. Treat this as the holy grail of knowledge in human relation.

Without consistent action, the knowledge gained here is useless: write the principles down daily, re-read chapters monthly, and review your successes and failures. This knowledge, If applied with diligence and fervor, will give you access to achieving anything you want in life.

Every time a principle is revealed you’ll go, “oh duh, obviously that makes sense.” But if you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll come to find that you rarely put it into practice, and it is directly related to your inability to relate to people to the fullest. You must buy into Carnegie’s methods.

“How can you develop such an urge? By constantly reminding yourself how important these principles are to you. Picture to yourself how their mastery will aid you in leading a richer, fuller, and more fulfilling life. Say to yourself over and over: ‘My popularity, my happiness, and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people’” (Page xxiii).

The Principles:

(1) Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

In Action — “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

In Action — “The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.”

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

In Action — “Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”

“If out of reading this book you get just one thing — an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle — if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.”

(2) Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

In Action — “If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”

Principle 2: Smile.

In Action — “Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.’”

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

In Action — “In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard. No wonder he developed a following!”

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

In Action — “So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

In Action — “For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

In Action — “Always make the other person feel important…the desire to be important is one of the deepest urges in human nature…It is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.”

(3) How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

In Action — “‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.”

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

In Action — “I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’ ‘that’s unreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice.’ Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

In Action — “When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.”

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

In Action — “The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.”

Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

In Action — “The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question — a question that will get the ‘yes, yes’ response.”

“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.”

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

In Action — “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

In Action — “Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions — and let the other person think out the conclusion?”

“We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts”

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

In Action — “Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.”

“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person — from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives — was likely to answer.”

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

In Action — “Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.”

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

In Action — “Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.”

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

In Action — “This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.”

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

In Action — “‘The way to get things done,’ says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.’”

“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.”

(4) Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation (when addressing a fault).

In Action — “It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

In Action — “Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

In Action — It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

In Action — “People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

“He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.”

Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

In Action — “Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!”

“The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’”

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

In Action — “Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”

“Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere — not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.”

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

In Action — “She was called ‘Marie the Dishwasher’ … ‘One day, while she was holding my plate of macaroni in her red hand, I said to her point-blank, ‘Marie, you do not know what treasures are within you.’ … ‘Two months later, she announced her coming marriage with the nephew of the chef. ‘I’m going to be a lady,’ she said, and thanked me. A small phrase had changed her entire life.”

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

In Action — “Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique — be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it — and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

In Action — “Napoleon created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his soldiers and made eighteen of his generals ‘Marshals of France’ and called his troops the ‘Grand Army.’ Napoleon was criticized for giving ‘toys’ to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, ‘Men are ruled by toys.’”

Guidelines and Roadmaps:

Nine Suggestions to get the most out of this book:

1. Develop a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.
2. Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
3. Stop frequently in your reading to think over what you are reading. Ask yourself just how and when you can apply each suggestion.
4. Highlight important suggestions. Underline and highlight the great ones.
5. The rapidity to which we forget is astonishing. Re-read certain chapters monthly.
6. We learn by doing. Apply these rules at every opportunity.
7. Make a game out of mastering these rules. Utilize a system/or app.
8. Have an engagement handbook that you come back to weekly. Use it to think over all the interviews, discussions, and meetings that had taken place during the week. Ask yourself:

“What mistakes did I make that time?”

“What did I do that was right?”

“What lessons did I learn from that experience for the future?”

• “This system did more for me than any other one thing I have ever attempted.”
• “It helped me improve my ability to make decisions — and it aided me enormously in all my contacts with people. I cannot recommend it too highly.”
• Use a similar system to help you track the principles in this book.

9. Keep a record of your triumphs using these principles. Be specific. Give names, dates, results. I realized that as sorely as these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts.

Steps to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

1. Welcome the disagreement

• If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful it has brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.

2. Distrust your first instinctive impression

• Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.

3. Control your temper

• Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.

4. Listen first

• Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. That’s only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build hire barriers of misunderstanding.

5. Look for areas of agreement

• When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

6. Be honest

• Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

7. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully

• And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points then to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

8. Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest

• Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.

9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

• Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
• Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will receive the problem or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price would I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

Roadmap for principle 4.9 (Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest):

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: “John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later . I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.”